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12 August, 2012

English: The Interior of Bedlam (Bethlem Royal...

English: The Interior of Bedlam (Bethlem Royal Hospital), from A Rake’s Progress by William Hogarth, 1763. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

This is to be taken as my opening statement.  “The defense intends to prove that (I may as well state it clearly — or, perhaps, unclearly at this point — as the context for what I must tell you) that not all things may be understood logically.” 

Some events in reality are born of the insane rules of primary process thought, and therefore not sensible through the application of  linear logic.

These events harbored the ultimate paradox for reasoning people:

Trying to make rational sense of them would drive one mad.

I had a facility for making sense of things.  It was my forte’,

and often my meal ticket.  I could apply that talent to nearly

everything from human behavior to the innards of a video tape

recorder.  Making sense of things, if I were to be honest, is not

just an ability  — for me it is a necessity.   The drive to

understand things has a life of its own.  It is, for me, a

drooling monster that can break its chain of discipline and

go rummaging through some labyrinth it has stumbled across,

dragging me along in impotent protest.

You no doubt may see, given even what little I have said thus

far, the seeds of my current insanity.  I am not trying to avoid

responsibility for what I have done by claiming I was crazy.  I

have always believed that people should be held accountable for

their actions, whether sane or not.  I am only trying to make

sense of the insensible, and convey that understanding to you for

your consideration in judgement of me.

You do see how fated it was, and how convoluted it could become,

do you not?  The drooling, rapacious monster of understanding,

broken free of discipline and caught up in a thrashing rampage —

a tantrum of impossiblity — in the midst of these kinds of

events could lead only to madness.

I am now faced with a task that is itself as insane as the roots

of my insanity.  I must make some sense of what has happened to

me — of the coming to be of my madness.  Bound in the premise

that an effort to understand the original events could only lead

to psychosis; fenced in by the further paradox that I MUST make

sense of the insensible journey into madness.

Chained to the earth by having to make such an effort while my

mind yet rolls and twists in the agonies of the perverse logic

that most are acquainted with only through dreams, I must state

my case for you.

Whether or not you accept the premise of a divine being, I must

state for the context that I do.  I believe that God exists.

To further reveal what you may take for my madness, I must also

say at risk of blasphemy, that I know some things about God that

He himself does not know.

You see, GOD DREAMS!

His ordering of the universe and events is elegant when He is

awake, as anyone who has contemplated the universe can tell you.

He need only think `star’, and it springs into being, a wondrous

body of nature to be gazed upon by lovers and fondled in the

minds of astronomers.  However, God dreams — and reality, in His

dreams, is as bent, folded, spindled and mutilated as is our own.

Further, the events he dreams are incarnated as surely as those

which his infinitely brilliant mind produces in wakefulness.  My

argument is simple: God dreamed these events which drove me mad.

The application of mathematics to the truly random can do nothing

more than present the circular argument that the truly random is

truly random.  The application of linear logic to madness can do

nothing more than present the circular argument that the truly

mad is truly mad.

Fortunately, that will suffice for me.  I wish only to show to

you that madness was inherent in the events — and that madness

was inevitable once I was caught up in those events.

We humans have long struggled with the contemplation of whether

the universe and the events therein are understandable.  When we

have discovered through disciplined effort some elegant law which

holds true though time, we have had renewed hope that the

universe is understandable.  (I am not the only person driven

to understand, you see.  That is inherent in being human.  It is

just that my drive is stronger — worse, if you will — than


When we have found something that defies the laws we think should

apply, we begin to wonder.  The false premise that heaves us

first one way and then the other is that the universe must either

be ordered or be random — be rational or be mad.  I believe that

some things, and some events, may be ruled by elegantly

constructed and consistent laws, while others can only be mad,

and thus defy rational consideration.  We do have a universe

which is largely ordered, but there are dust clouds of insanity

therein — foggy and sometimes horrible products of God’s dreams.

What I have learned of God through these dreams of his, I will

leave for later, if indeed I delve into it much at all.  I do not

wish to add that which might be taken for blasphemy to your

judgment of my actions.  Let me say only that what I have

learned is terrible in its own right, and living with those

terrible secrets may well be a burden which shall, eventually,

outstrip that of my insanity.

And so I say to you in opening that if my actions appear to have

been mad, they are thus because I was surrounded by, and embedded

hopelessly in, dreams being had by God.

Perhaps the best way to begin is through a few examples of what I

have survived.


                         to be continued?



From → Stories & Poetry

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